Fighting to keep marriage after major accident

[Adriftfeline HSDA]

Hello friends,

Not in this forum too often but always appreciate you folks when I visit.  Anyway, this particular category doesn't appear to have been used since April of last year, so my question might be a shot in the dark for responses.  Oh well, here goes anyway...

My question has several parts to it, so I'll share them with you first.  Next, I'll try and give some background info on our situation to better enable you folks to respond.
1. How might we improve our marital relationship after a major accident changed us into two very different people?
2. What, if any kind of help. should we seek considering most marriage councilors don't understand our SDA faith system and beliefs?  (We haven't any access to SDA counselling where we live and SDA phone councillors have repeatedly fallen through--another whole story)
3. Spiritually speaking, is adultery of the heart the same as an actual adulterous, extramarital affair?

OK, here is a synopsis of our story: My hubby and I are both SDA and first-timers at marriage.  We've been married now for eight years with no children--per my premarital request.  Hubby was a victim of a hit and run accident while riding a bicycle home from work about three years ago.  The perpetrator has never been caught.  He sustained a broken back, pinched spinal chord, a brain injury resulting in a diagnosis of mild brain damage, and a crushed leg.  God blessed his healing and he now walks almost perfectly, has no serious side-effects from the pinched spinal chord (which was alleviated surgically), and is now doing well in school.  He got his first job just this past fall as well.  He seems happy and motivated with this new lease on life and I truly believe God has blessed him way beyond what might have been permanent results of his accident.

The problem is me.  He's not really the same person I married (personality wise) and I've become jaded and critical of both myself and him.  While he seems to be on the up-slope, I'm degenerating.  For one thing, I had to do everything for us to survive financially and physically and it has worn me out.  Depression has been a serious issue off and on because I've grown to feel that I now wear the pants in the family and am a single mom raising an adult child now.  There's no more romance as can be expected when it's a mother-son type of relationship.  I've detested this change in our roles and dynamics to the point of having resorted to fantasy as a form of romantic, self-medicating escape.  He cannot understand this as his mind is... well... simple, due to the accident.  He's very simple and childlike in all his mannerisms and expressions.  It's so repulsive to me and I just can't swallow this new affect he has.  Now, mind you, he's always been a very loving, patient, humble man... but now?  His  MANHOOD is GONE! 

This condition of my heart towards him isn't fair.  He's the victim of an accident; not a deadbeat hubby.  Our marriage vows before God are to love and Cherish one another for better or for WORSE; but I'm imploding!!!  I'm so severely critical of him, verbally, and treat him with horrible contempt!  I don't mean to and when I catch myself, I ask his forgiveness and ask God for help.  I'm just not getting the kind of help I need or something, because I'm not really changing... and the whole thing with me and my attitude are going down, down, down, in an endless downward spiral.  He doesn't deserve this and I sometimes wonder if he's be much better off without me.  This is why I'm asking these questions and asking for your prayerful help and answers.  Sorry for the 'wall-of-text' and thank you so much for reading. 

[Adriftfeline HSDA]

Sorry for a lot of the grammatical mistakes.  I should have proofread that a little better before posting. 

[Soli Deo Gloria]

Thanks Adriftfeline for having the courage to post your experience and feelings on this topic.

God hears your heart and feelings and He will not let you down. None of us can be expected to handle a situation like this perfectly.

I have a similar situation, except it is with a totally disabled wife that has to be cared for around the clock by caregivers and acts at the level emotionally of a young child. She cannot walk or feed herself. She had multiple strokes due to an underlying genetic disorder that is very rare. I have told my story on this on the prayer thread, and I am continuing to struggle.

I wish I could treat her better, and spend more time with her than I do.

We don't have answers to why things like this happen. We can only trust that God allows these things to happen to us for a reason.
Romans 8:28 has been a terrific encouragement to me.

I think the feelings you are expressing are real. When one loses what was once a true marital relationship, it is very difficult to deal with.

I will pray that God gives you the strength and courage to endure through this very difficult time.

Stan

[V. Hahn]

Oh, Adrift--my heart aches for you.  What trauma you and your husband have endured.  Anything I think to say seems hollow in light of your circumstance, because no one can really understand unless they have been through the same thing--like Stan so wonderfully stated.  What I can do is lift you both up to our Father, who WILL give you what you need to deal with this situation.

"Let your conversation be without covetousness; and be content with such things as ye have: for he hath said, I will never leave thee, nor forsake thee." Heb. 13:5

[Restorer]

Hello friends,

Not in this forum too often but always appreciate you folks when I visit.  Anyway, this particular category doesn't appear to have been used since April of last year, so my question might be a shot in the dark for responses.  Oh well, here goes anyway...

My question has several parts to it, so I'll share them with you first.  Next, I'll try and give some background info on our situation to better enable you folks to respond.
1. How might we improve our marital relationship after a major accident changed us into two very different people?
2. What, if any kind of help. should we seek considering most marriage councilors don't understand our SDA faith system and beliefs?  (We haven't any access to SDA counselling where we live and SDA phone councillors have repeatedly fallen through--another whole story)
3. Spiritually speaking, is adultery of the heart the same as an actual adulterous, extramarital affair?

OK, here is a synopsis of our story: My hubby and I are both SDA and first-timers at marriage.  We've been married now for eight years with no children--per my premarital request.  Hubby was a victim of a hit and run accident while riding a bicycle home from work about three years ago.  The perpetrator has never been caught.  He sustained a broken back, pinched spinal chord, a brain injury resulting in a diagnosis of mild brain damage, and a crushed leg.  God blessed his healing and he now walks almost perfectly, has no serious side-effects from the pinched spinal chord (which was alleviated surgically), and is now doing well in school.  He got his first job just this past fall as well.  He seems happy and motivated with this new lease on life and I truly believe God has blessed him way beyond what might have been permanent results of his accident.

The problem is me.  He's not really the same person I married (personality wise) and I've become jaded and critical of both myself and him.  While he seems to be on the up-slope, I'm degenerating.  For one thing, I had to do everything for us to survive financially and physically and it has worn me out.  Depression has been a serious issue off and on because I've grown to feel that I now wear the pants in the family and am a single mom raising an adult child now.  There's no more romance as can be expected when it's a mother-son type of relationship.  I've detested this change in our roles and dynamics to the point of having resorted to fantasy as a form of romantic, self-medicating escape.  He cannot understand this as his mind is... well... simple, due to the accident.  He's very simple and childlike in all his mannerisms and expressions.  It's so repulsive to me and I just can't swallow this new affect he has.  Now, mind you, he's always been a very loving, patient, humble man... but now?  His  MANHOOD is GONE! 

This condition of my heart towards him isn't fair.  He's the victim of an accident; not a deadbeat hubby.  Our marriage vows before God are to love and Cherish one another for better or for WORSE; but I'm imploding!!!  I'm so severely critical of him, verbally, and treat him with horrible contempt!  I don't mean to and when I catch myself, I ask his forgiveness and ask God for help.  I'm just not getting the kind of help I need or something, because I'm not really changing... and the whole thing with me and my attitude are going down, down, down, in an endless downward spiral.  He doesn't deserve this and I sometimes wonder if he's be much better off without me.  This is why I'm asking these questions and asking for your prayerful help and answers.  Sorry for the 'wall-of-text' and thank you so much for reading. 

There is only one Biblical justification for divorce and that is when one partner defiles the marriage bed. It does not have anything to do with the heart. It's the act.

However - one way of escape is separation. There is no Biblical directive that opposes separation. That is clearly an acceptable option.

[reaching4heaven]

However - one way of escape is separation. There is no Biblical directive that opposes separation. That is clearly an acceptable option.

No, it is not. Marriage is a vow before God to love and care for each other through life's trials.

1 Corinthians 13:
4 Charity suffereth long, and is kind; charity envieth not; charity vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up,
5 Doth not behave itself unseemly, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil;
6 Rejoiceth not in iniquity, but rejoiceth in the truth;
7 Beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things.
8 Charity never faileth:

When we fall short we go to God for forgiveness, for a changed heart.

Create in me a clean heart, O God; and renew a right spirit within me. Psalm 51:10

We do not run from the situation to make our life easier or to find pleasure. We do not abandon a hurt spouse because this is not how we thought our lives would be. We allow God to change our selfish heart. Happiness can only be found with God, not seeking after our own ways. Not wanting to follow our own desires.

I am so sorry about your situation, Adriftfeline. I hope you will choose to find comfort in following God's plan for your life. He knows the end from the beginning and will guide you and comfort you.

[reaching4heaven]

Hello friends,

Not in this forum too often but always appreciate you folks when I visit.  Anyway, this particular category doesn't appear to have been used since April of last year, so my question might be a shot in the dark for responses.  Oh well, here goes anyway...

My question has several parts to it, so I'll share them with you first.  Next, I'll try and give some background info on our situation to better enable you folks to respond.
1. How might we improve our marital relationship after a major accident changed us into two very different people?Take it day-by-day with God. Accept that things have changed. Don't look for the pleasure you want to have in that day but ask God to open your eyes to what He would like you to take pleasure in for that day. "Be careful for nothing; but in every thing by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God." Philippians 4:6
2. What, if any kind of help. should we seek considering most marriage councilors don't understand our SDA faith system and beliefs?  (We haven't any access to SDA counselling where we live and SDA phone councillors have repeatedly fallen through--another whole story) Take God as your counselor. Talk to Him, He gives the best advice.
3. Spiritually speaking, is adultery of the heart the same as an actual adulterous, extramarital affair?Jesus said that if you hate someone it is the same as murder. So, if you fantasize about someone I imagine it would be the same as adultery. But, that does not give you the right to divorce. Ask forgiveness of God then refuse to go down that path again. It is a very tempting escape, but God wants to give you a more complete life than that.

This condition of my heart towards him isn't fair.  He's the victim of an accident; not a deadbeat hubby.  Our marriage vows before God are to love and Cherish one another for better or for WORSE; but I'm imploding!!!  I'm so severely critical of him, verbally, and treat him with horrible contempt!  I don't mean to and when I catch myself, I ask his forgiveness and ask God for help.  I'm just not getting the kind of help I need or something, because I'm not really changing... and the whole thing with me and my attitude are going down, down, down, in an endless downward spiral.  He doesn't deserve this and I sometimes wonder if he's be much better off without me.  This is why I'm asking these questions and asking for your prayerful help and answers.  Sorry for the 'wall-of-text' and thank you so much for reading. 

That last paragraph - you know the answer: a changed you. It's just a matter of how to get it. "Jesus answered and said unto him, Verily, verily, I say unto thee, Except a man be born again, he cannot see the kingdom of God." - John 3:3  

Romans 6:
6 Knowing this, that our old man is crucified with him, that the body of sin might be destroyed, that henceforth we should not serve sin.
7 For he that is dead is freed from sin.
8 Now if we be dead with Christ, we believe that we shall also live with him:
9 Knowing that Christ being raised from the dead dieth no more; death hath no more dominion over him.
10 For in that he died, he died unto sin once: but in that he liveth, he liveth unto God.
11 Likewise reckon ye also yourselves to be dead indeed unto sin, but alive unto God through Jesus Christ our Lord.
12 Let not sin therefore reign in your mortal body, that ye should obey it in the lusts thereof.
13 Neither yield ye your members as instruments of unrighteousness unto sin: but yield yourselves unto God, as those that are alive from the dead, and your members as instruments of righteousness unto God.


"I die daily." - 1 Corinthians 15:31

[Larry Lyons]

There is only one Biblical justification for divorce and that is when one partner defiles the marriage bed. It does not have anything to do with the heart. It's the act.

However - one way of escape is separation. There is no Biblical directive that opposes separation. That is clearly an acceptable option.

I think 1Cor 7:10,11 may give some support for Restorer's statement.

(10) And unto the married I command, yet not I, but the Lord, Let not the wife depart from her husband.
(11) But and if she depart, let her remain unmarried, or be reconciled to her husband and let not the husband put away his wife. (1Cor 7:10,11)

I am thinking that separation is an option of last resort as long as the wife does not marry someone else. Otherwise there would be no need for verse 11. The "But and if" sentence would not be there.

[Ed Sutton]

Hello Adriftfeline HSDA,

God is capable of implanting love into anyone at whatever level He chooses.

May I ask a question upon which much hinges ?     

Will you open yourself to God to allow the process and cooperate with the process so that God can and will implant new love for a man with a changed personality - into you ?
Before you answer, go to the thread "is it just a theory ? "  and read and talk it over with God, alone.    Even if we all could give the best advise, only God Himself can help now.

If your reply never comes, I will assume that it is too personal an issue to answer on such a public scope.